"Our" Adoption Story... Happy 20th Birthday Hannah

20 years ago today I gave birth to "our" daughter, Hannah.

You might not know that "we" have a daughter... but "we" do.

I placed her for adoption at birth.

So, in honor of her birthday today and the unique and wonderful experience I have been given through open adoption, I want to share "our" (birthparent, adoptive parents and adoptee) story with you.

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As an outstanding high school senior who played varsity sports, got good grades, came from a solid family and had a steady boyfriend of over two years, pregnancy after the first time I had ever engaged in intercourse came as quite a shock for me. Yeah, I'm THAT girl. That 0.1 percent ... that's why it was pretty much a huge shock.

Terrified, my boyfriend and I deliberated quietly about what to do. Five months into the pregnancy, we told my parents. Although very upset, my parents were supportive and urged us to make our own decision so we could hold ourselves fully accountable for the consequences. Although not at first, I ultimately realized how crucial it was that I, with my boyfriend, be the one to decide the future of our baby.
“At the time, I didn’t like hearing this at all. I was scared and wanted my mom and dad to tell me what to do. Looking back, I am so thankful to my parents for letting me make the decision.”

I found XXXXXX agency in the phone book. While I was confused and unsure about what to do, I knew that I did not have the resources at the time to parent a child. I had plans for college and felt that I still had growing up to do. My boyfriend had endured a rough childhood as a son born to a single mother. We knew we didn’t want to put our baby through similar hardship.
“I had had such a good upbringing. I knew I couldn’t bear not to provide the same for my child. It was unacceptable to me. I felt deep down that my child shouldn’t pay the price for being born too soon in my life. Although I could offer her love, that wasn’t enough. She needed a good home, stability and two parents.”

Through some workshops and counseling at the agency, I learned that adoption could be a possibility for me. I felt that the XXXXXXX staff were very understanding and non-judgmental. They did not promote any particular decision, but presented the pros and cons of all the options. After a lot of reading and thinking, I realized that, for me, open adoption sounded the most attractive. As an achiever, I was accustomed to having control over things in my life. I found the idea of being able to choose adoptive parents for my baby, to meet these parents and then have them provide frequent pictures and letters of my child, very tangible and reassuring.
“I liked open adoption because if I was going to give someone the most precious gift I possibly ever could, the least they could do in return was to share pictures and updates that showed they were taking good care of my baby. I didn’t want to wonder who my child was and what she looked like. I wanted to see for myself that she was going to a good home and appeared happy.”

I was also thinking about the future, and of the emotional wellbeing of my child. I felt that this baby had been given to me for a higher reason and that it was up to me to make the right choice for both of us.
“I wanted the baby to have information about me as well. As a child, I had a friend who had been adopted. She didn’t know anything about her birthmother and would make up stories about her, pretending she was someone famous. I didn’t want my little girl to grow up inventing stories about me. I wanted her to know exactly who I was and where I had come from.”

Though my boyfriend and I read through many adoptive parent profiles, we knew instantly when we came across the right match. Debbie and Bill sounded almost familiar to us. I felt that they would be able to raise my baby similar to how I had been raised. Meeting Debbie and Bill fortified my decision... I felt certain that this was the right couple. Despite the intensity of my own emotional needs, I was sincerely moved by Debbie and Bill's earnest desire to adopt my baby. They had been waiting so long to love a child. Later on, I found that in my tougher moments, I was able to turn to magnanimous thoughts of wanting to help Debbie and Bill create a family. These sentiments provided me with the strength I needed to make it through the tough times.
"Debbie and Bill had been through so much and had been trying to adopt a baby for ten years. They were older and were being told that their chance of adopting were slim. I couldn’t bear to break their hearts. After meeting Debbie and Bill, I didn’t waver in my decision – I just kept thinking about them."

When Hannah was born, my boyfriend and I were able to spend three days in the hospital with her. We had many visitors as my pregnancy was public knowledge. I had attended my high school classes throughout the pregnancy, giving birth slightly before graduation. We kept Hannah in our two room hospital suite with us which made visiting with friends and family convenient. I also made the unique and courageous decision to breastfeed Hannah for those three days.
“I had read about colostrum (the early breastmilk) and knew how good it was for babies. I felt like if three days was all I was going to have with my baby that I wanted to provide the very best for her for those three days. It was the only thing I could give her that nobody else could. It was my gift to Hannah.”

Debbie and Bill came to visit. But they were very careful not to stay too long, and I never felt like they were rushing me. In fact, I felt like Debbie and Bill seemed most concerned about how I was weathering the experience. But believe me, I was grieving. As best I could, I utilized each step and decision of the adoption process to confront and face my tumultuous emotions. So when the time actually came to send Hannah home, I remember feeling acutely sad, but also feeling surprisingly ready.
“We cried a lot. We see-sawed between wanting the time to go fast so we could get it over with, and wanting the time to go more slowly so we could treasure it. It was awful, but exhilarating.”

After three days, the XXXXXXX agency counselors came and helped my boyfriend and I to do a special handing-over ceremony where we exchanged pictures and mementos with Debbie and Bill. We also gave our blessings and said our goodbyes. Yet, even though it was a parting, I felt the comfort of knowing that it wasn’t truly a goodbye. We would be receiving frequent updates and pictures that we had all agreed upon ahead of time, and we had left open the option for future contact if we all decided that was best.
“It felt really good knowing that we all knew something about it each other, but not too much. That we had enough for now, but could have more later if it worked out that way. And that was very good for all of us.”

To my surprise, within two weeks, I received a call (via the agency) that Debbie had extended family in town who were hoping to meet us. We agreed. We met, and I held Hannah for the entire visit. Yet again, I felt this meeting cemented the fact that we had made the best decision in placing Hannah with Debbie and Bill.
“I was so excited to see how much love and attention she was getting. And how happy they were to be parenting her. I felt completely at peace with my decision.”

A few months later, Bill had relatives in town who also wanted to meet us. Again, the experience was so positive among the family members, and with us getting to personally witness Debbie and Bill’s dedication to Hannah, that it became a tradition. For the next few years, all of the family – birth and adopted – would get together for a reunion. As years went by and schedules got busier, but relationships got closer and more comfortable, Debbie suggested that we contact each other directly rather than through the agency. I was in full agreement. From this time onward, we essentially became what is one large extended family for Hannah.
“It just felt like family does. Like those relatives that you love and care so much about but only get to see a few times a year. And the time you spend with them when you do see them is so special.”
Eventually, I moved away and got married. Debbie and Hannah flew to my wedding (all the way in Tennessee) so Hannah could be a bridesmaid. We still get together for holidays, summer barbeques or whatever occasions feel right. As you know, I have since gone on to give birth to another child, Bryant. I’m delighted in noting that this experience has only brought our families even closer. Zac and I chose Debbie and Bill as Bryant's godparents, and Hannah loves having a younger sibling to get to know.
“The best part is watching my son with Hannah. They adore each other and are very close. I love that my son can refer to Hannah as his sister, and talk about her naturally and without question. I simply could not have asked for a better family.”


As Hannah and my bond continues to evolve, more gifts and rewards present themselves, sometimes unexpectedly. I often describe our relationship as very relaxed and authentic. Neither mother nor daughter feel we have to act a certain way when in one another’s company. I attribute this security to the strength and beauty of our open adoption.
“One of my favorite things about open adoption is that Hannah has never had to question whether or not I love her. She has grown up seeing my love firsthand. And I have been able to see with my own eyes, over and over, that Hannah is loved and cared for beyond comprehension.”

We became a family not because we share the same genes, but because we share a love for each other. I am blessed!

And so, our journey together continues.